I'm going to vomit...

I'm sure I've messed up again. He's gonna have one more reason to hate me...one more reason to justify how horrible I am. I don't feel like I can get ahead. I can't get ahead of his misunderstandings. My actions and my intentions are always misread. I know so many people have hurt him. I want to make that pain go away. But I can't take it from him. And he doesn't understand how to treat me because he wasn't taught. Wait...am I making an excuse? He treats others appropriately. Is it because I am closest to him? Is it because he knows I won't let him push me away? Or am I making all the mistakes? Am I really reading too much into things...or is joining a singles group for the second time while in our relationship actually inappropriate? But he says he wants a divorce...so that makes it ok, right? I would never do these things, because I know what it feels like...because he has been hurt too many times for me to hurt him again. He deserves to be scooped up and loved with all my heart. Why? Well...he hasn't been the greatest husband. However, he hasn't had to put forth the effort to heal...but he has. Because his wounds are deep...and my love hasn't scratched the surface. Because under all the pain and anger and hurt and bad decisions...there is a man with a huge capacity for passion and caring and love. He feels like a lost little boy...a scared, confused, lonely little boy. He wants to be in control. He wants to be needed. He wants to be valuable...in charge...worthy. Though I recognize his value and I want to lean on him...he doesn't see his value...and he doesn't realize his behaviors make him hard to lean on. I am afraid of the choices he will make...because when he makes decisions on his own they are not thought through and they don't consider everyone involved all the time. Like the decision to join the group on Facebook...he had to know that would punch me in the gut...but he made the choice anyway. I am lost. I want this man in my life. I want the life we planned. How do I help him see how his choices affect others...without him feeling like I blame him for everything? I just want him to accept responsibility for things he does that he has control over. I want him to see I am here to support him...and I love him...and I want him.

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Comments (2)

  1. jaageet

    You’ve got to stop treating him like your son and relating to him as his mother. He hates “mom”.

    July 22, 2017
  2. farriberri

    Confused…I don’t treat my husband like a child.

    July 22, 2017