It won't go away. This pain in my heart...this rumble in my gut. This feeling of being misunderstood...it is the one feeling that I haven't been able to shake...not but for a precious moment. There was one moment when I felt understood. He was talking to me about how my ex treated me. It was like he reached into my soul and pulled the words straight from my body. I was in awe. He hypnotized me...and I fell more in love in that moment.
Here's the thing though...I feel like I speak a different language now. It's not just him. I have always felt misunderstood. I don't understand why my intentions are so confusing. I don't understand why people think I want anything but the best for anyone. I want peace. I want love. I want happiness. I want calmness.
I speak rationally. I speak love and truth. I speak honesty. I will and do do anything for anyone.
I am passionate. I want to learn everything. I believe knowledge is power. The more one knows the more one can understand about the world...and about people. When I commit to something...I go hard. I give my all...not for a minute...not for a moment...but until I see it through; even if it drains every ounce of energy, and emotion from my body. I don't give up. Because when I decided I am all in...I am all in. I have moments where it gets tough...and I want to give up. But I don't stop...I push harder. I make myself keep going.
I am my harshest critic, and maybe we all are. I am my own worst enemy...yet I am my own best cheerleader.
I hide my feelings...the ones that are the most vulnerable. Maybe I share my thoughts...but I hide my fears.
I take on too much responsibility and I place too much demand on myself.
I take on responsibility for other people's emotions and behaviors. I do that because I feel like I can understand and see things others may not. I feel like when I share what I recognize that I am helping them solve a problem. Many appreciate my help...others do not. I can't help but ask...if I could tell them the lotto numbers would they want them? Yes! So if I can help them solve a different type of struggle...am I selfish to keep the info to myself? I never want anyone to view me as selfish.
What people think about me matters. I say it doesn't and I try not to let it...but it matters. It matters because I want the world to know that I never want anyone to hurt. I never want to harm anyone. I never want to upset anyone. I always want to be fair. I want my life to have a positive affect on the world.
I am only human...yet I have had to be Super Woman for years. I don't have any super powers and I am doing my best. I am tired. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. My feelings and my heart are fragile.