For you J...7.19.17

I'm so fragile right now. Sitting here watching K and L work. Listening to the people talk, and watching the couples interact. The radio is blasting country music..."we'll build this love from the ground up..." The couple across from me is talking...everything the guy says makes the woman with him smile. She clearly likes him. It makes me wonder how long they have been together. It causes me to remember the days when I held your arm, and stood proud walking by your side. I can't begin to explain what it felt like to know I was the woman to win your heart...the woman you shared your deepest darkest world...secrets with. I never expected you to share those things with me. Though I am glad you have. I am blessed that you have trusted me that much...believed in us that much. I watch this lady and hear her talk to this man about things on her mind. It takes me back to the many nights we laid in bed starring at the ceiling or cuddling...our legs intertwined in each other...talking until we both fall asleep. Talking about anything, nothing, and everything. Learning about each other. Which brings me to another memory of a time when you couldn't tell JT enough good things about me. The lady just told the man she wanted the "blue chips"...not the vinegar and sea salt...but the blue ones. He smiled from ear to ear. How am I supppsed to live without seeing your beautiful smile again. Everything reminds me of the wonderful times we have had together. No I'm not forgetting the heartache or the fighting...I'm simply sitting her remembering what has kept us together this long. Like the fact that you were there for me when two people I loved very much died. I'm wearing the necklace you gave me only a couple of months ago...that says Love Always, J. It is keeping me going. You gave me this before the accident...before you decided you hate me. This necklace, my engagement ring...and some wonderful memories is all I have to remind me that my husband is still inside you somewhere. How am I supposed to walk away or give up now...when you clearly seem to need me the most. I am so confused. I am so hurt. I have heard you tell me it is over before...but then you changed your mind...though you told me you wouldn't. Everyone keeps telling me God has this...and I want to believe...yet I am so scared. You told me you loved me just a week or two ago...I know that isn't gone. I know it feels like it is...because everything is all messed up right now...I pray that is a temporary feeling and it will change. 

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