Deja vu...

It feels like I've done this day before. I barely slept last night...thoughts of his words echoing in my head. "I don't want any contact with you. If I have to get a no contact order, I will. Don't call, don't text, I don't want to see you. I am not in love with you. I don't want to be married." All because I said something, unintentionally, that upset him. His voice won't stop ringing in my ears. This isn't the first time...but it feels more serious than before. I can't count how many times he has said this stuff...and days later apologized. But what if I have truly lost him this time? How do I know when what he is saying is real...or him just being angry? What if I never get to feel his touch again? What if...what if...what if? My brain won't shut off...it won't stop thinking. 

We see the neurologist about his personality changes on Monday. This weekend I must go out of town. 

I reread all of my posts today. It was helpful to read my positivity from 3 years ago. I remember how devestated I was when he broke up with me. I felt like I couldn't breathe...like my whole world was pulled out from under me. He even started seeing other women. It was like a kick to the gut. So I've been here before...I have survived this struggle with him already. And now something makes sense...marriage isn't always about being nice. Sometimes it may feel like it is going to break you. Sometimes the struggles can seem insurmountable...and maybe for some it is. However, for others it is all about how the struggles are approached, the desire of the married couple to work through the struggles, and their choices. I remember a quote...something like...Marriage isn't about two strong people all the time...it is about taking turns being the strong one. 

So I guess it is time for me to once again tighten up my boot straps, and be strong. Since my husband can't see a way through...and I can't see a way through...it's time to pray for a way through. Maybe it's time for a war room!

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