I am writing this to express my feelings, and to have proof. I'm writing one day behind so that I can include everything from the day in my submission.
Back Story: I married him. I knew there would be obstacles; I didn't know it could be like this. I was prepared for progress with small setbacks, not this hatred and coldness. Sunday night I poured my feelings out to my husband of three and half months…this should still be the honeymoon period, right? He stares at me blankly the entire time I am speaking. When I finished tearing up, and expressing my deep, vulnerable feelings…he said nothing, rolled over, and put on his CPAP mask…then went to sleep. This isn't new, however, it is a turning point for me. If this is how I am treated, then what is my purpose for being in his life? Why do I continue to bend over backwards to make his life better, if he has no respect for me or my feelings. How can he dismiss me so easily? Yes, he has a mental health disorder which affects his thinking, and as a result he behaves extremely selfishly. Yes, his mental health disorder also affects his thinking in that he believes is always a victim. And yes, he does project his anger, resentment, and frustration toward his abusers onto me. Lastly…yes he knows what he is doing, and he has worked to change his behavior; however, he has not been able to sustain a change. As a matter of fact, it would seem that he actually enjoys being very nasty when he slips back into that behavior; though, he is immediately remorseful after he has calmed down and thought about his actions. So my question is…how much am I expected to endure in the name of "vows"? I have remained supportive of him; yet get no emotional support in return. I have been rundown, and pushed down with negative messages for so long…and I don't take them personally; however, he finds new things to say which I have not built an immunity to.
So…Day One: I am always available to him. If he has a problem, I listen with an open mind and heart. Not anymore. I have chosen to reciprocate the behaviors he exhibits to me back to him. Therefore, I did not answer the phone on any of the 7 times he called me. Why? Because I was busy at work, therefore, I will not drop everything to handle his issue. He'll figure it out, and he did. I went outside to get our truck to take it for a repair estimate, and it was gone. He had taken the truck for the estimate himself. Good…he's being a big boy. (Yes, I am feeling very sarcastic, and over being the polite one in this relationship.)
When he finishes with his estimate, he brings it to me at my office. I view it, and hand it back. I do not speak. Why? Because my thoughts, feelings, and issues are dismissed by him. He asked why I didn't answer his calls, so I told him that I didn't want to speak to him. He gets angry, and tells me "Well, a microwave fell on my head and broke my nose". Then he walks off. Let me just tell you…this man does not have a broken nose…and if a microwave did fall on his head…I want to know where in the hell it was sitting, because the man is 6'5 and drives a garbage truck. Was someone hurdling microwaves that day? Did his work partner climb on top of the truck and drop it on him? Honestly, his head is so hard…it wouldn't have hurt him anyway. Ya know what I think the truth is…the microwave fell somewhere near him, and he needed to tell me something to make me feel guilty for not answering the phone. Attention…after all of these years of being at his beck and call…I do not feel guilty …not at all!
When I made it home, I learned the deep freeze had gotten unplugged, and the dead smell coming from the game room for the last week is not some poor dead animal that got trapped in the wall or the attic. It was the entire contents of the deep freeze…which my darling husband left for me to clean up. (Yes, he did get home at noon…and yes…he does get home around that time EVERYDAY…except for Wednesday and Thursday. So on Wednesday and Thursday…I hired a housekeeper; she also helps with my 96 yr old grandma on those days.) Please keep in mind that it is now 7p, and I must make dinner and take care of grandma. I invited over our adopted daughter for her birthday, and now I must clean this nastiness before cooking birthday dinner. What did my husband do? Ahh…he sits on the front porch…with no damn shirt…and smokes cigarettes and plays games on his phone. He may have picked up here or there…but since I'm pissed at him and not taking his crap…well he's not going to lift a finger to help me.
So I get dinner done and we sit down to eat. He asks what the at fault driver said about the repair estimate, and I told him I planned to get another estimate. You would have thought I had just stabbed him with a knife. He blew up, because he will not have his truck repaired by the lowest estimate. He began yelling at me that it was his truck…not ours. When I told him I am on the title as well, he said he would take me off. He kept up his anger, and I told that our daughter did not come to watch us fight, so he may stay if he stops, or he may go. He jumps up, and continues yelling at me while he heads for the door. After smoking yet another cigarette…or 6…he finds his way to the sofa where he remains until he puts himself to bed.
I did not say anything about choosing an estimate, or making any of the decisions regarding the truck. However, somehow he is convinced that I will be deciding who fixes the truck, and he has no say so. I understand that his perception of everything is completely skewed...but here is my thought. This man knows me...he has seen me always make decisions in his best interest...and trust me I have had ample opportunities. He also knows I am fair and impartial. So for the life of me, I cannot figure out why he ALWAYS jumps to these sorts of conclusions. The truth is...this man is in such a better place in life now than he was when we met...so why does he continue to doubt me. Why doesn't he see me for who I am, and why can't he base his expectations off of my behavior instead of whatever that is that goes on in his head. I can't successfully argue with his perceptions. So does this mean I am forever trapped in his web of assumptions?
Thank the Lord that day one is over…