I can't shake it...

It won't go away. This pain in my heart...this rumble in my gut. This feeling of being misunderstood...it is the one feeling that I haven't been able to shake...not but for a precious moment. There was one moment when I felt understood. He was talking...

I'm going to vomit...

I'm sure I've messed up again. He's gonna have one more reason to hate me...one more reason to justify how horrible I am. I don't feel like I can get ahead. I can't get ahead of his misunderstandings. My actions and my intentions are always misread. I...

Why did I chose him?

He is broken just like me. He understands my pain and my heartbreak because he experienced the same things. He is angry about his crappy life...I am also angry about the crap that has happened in my life. He was cheated on...he would never do that to...

For you J...7.19.17

I'm so fragile right now. Sitting here watching K and L work. Listening to the people talk, and watching the couples interact. The radio is blasting country music..."we'll build this love from the ground up..." The couple across from me is...

Deja vu...

It feels like I've done this day before. I barely slept last night...thoughts of his words echoing in my head. "I don't want any contact with you. If I have to get a no contact order, I will. Don't call, don't text, I don't want to see you. I am not...

Feeling Betrayed

No matter how betrayed and angry I feel, I miss my husband. I am intensely distressed by his frigidness. Mental health disorders are toxic. No matter how honest, respectable, innocent, worthy, selfless, or loving I am...he sees me as a monster....

Restless...

He's my best friend. I hate who he has become. I can't talk to him. I don't want to talk to him when he is rude and cold to me. I have poured my heart out and it seems to fall on deaf ears, and a black, tar heart. I don't know what happened. Could it...

Stuck on Repeat, repeat, repeat...

I am a scratched record, or a song stuck on repeat. Why am I so surprised when he is rude and cold? I knew he was mentally ill. I thought it was treatable...and maybe it is...for someone that wants to feel better. I am reminded of the song by Papa...

Foolish, or loyal?

I give and give and give. When I need support...he tells me to leave him alone! My heart is so broken, and once again I am the fool.

A puddle of emotional goo...

I slice open my soul and spill my inner most thoughts and feelings at his feet. His silence feels dismissive. Is it better than hearing untruths? At this point, I wonder why I'm still trying. What are the steps for surviving a spouse's recovery? Not a...

It didn't hurt them...it hurt me...you murdered us!

In the scheme of things...I hope you eventually find love for yourself. I know you never got to hurt M, or T, or your mother the same way they hurt you...and I know you wanted them to feel your wrath...and the pain they caused you. No they will never...

Day One...

I am writing this to express my feelings, and to have proof. I'm writing one day behind so that I can include everything from the day in my submission.   Back Story: I married him. I knew there would be obstacles; I didn't know it could be like...

Beautiful Ruins..

When a structure has been in ruin for half a century...most would demolish and rebuild. Won't do that here...he has beautiful bones and a great spirit...but there are serious foundation issues. I believe in him...he wants to be rebuilt. Though it is a...

Straight Jacket

Feeling like I never thought I'd feel. Want to walk away from it all. Want to vanish. Loneliness in a crowd, comforted by solitude. Making no progress with the broken man. Over 2 yrs together and he still projects the behaviors of past...

Naive...

He must think I'm a complete idiot. I found his PoF account. Clearly says looking for a relationship.   What am I still doing in his bed? As soon as the snow thaws...I'm outta here.  May not be an idiot...but I sure feel like it. Not even...

Am I Wrong?

We dated 8 mos and broke up, because he was dealing with a lot while going to mental health counseling. Therapy to deal with ghosts and monsters from his past. I love him, so I tell him I'll wait and I'm here for him. He swears he doesn't want a...

Numb

How can love not be real if it feels real? 

Christmas blessing...

Loud voices clambering to share their thoughts over the others, chidren's sounds, stories and roaring laughter fills the air. Smells of baked goodness, and savory dinner waft through the entire house. Feel the warmth of the love radiate from these...

Happy!

When one can lose themself in another's smile...it's magic. He has the most perfect teeth...straight and white. His lips are plump...not overly. He has a goatee which is manicured precisely. His eyes twinkle when he smiles. Gorgeous eyes that change...

Every nerve tingles...

When he touches me it feels like electricity running through my body. Every nerve tingles in pleasure and stands at attention. It's like a drug...the more I get the more I want. It doesn't matter the intent of the touch. Brushing past me or an...

As it should be.

This is the way life should be. I am so grateful and at peace. This grace is overwhelming, but I am drinking in every moment. Thank you...thank you...thank you Lord!

Humbled...

With every beat of my heart I am thankful to be alive. Thankful for one more precious moment shared with the ones I love. Thankful I was allowed to share more laughs. Thankful for the amazing kiss he planted on me. Thankful for waking this...

I believe...

I put myself out there. I am a better person. I believe in myself now more than ever.  Peace is good.  He called, too. He apologized about 4 times. It is just like I thought...he doesn't know how confused he is...but I do. He'll figure it...

It's been 4 days...

Well...in the last four days I've realized he made a huge mistake...and I'm not at fault.  I gave all of me, and held nothing back. I kept all my promises and never lied.  He even complained once that I wanted him to go to therapy, but I was the...

So much for hope...

Here is the text I got yesterday. Can't help but feel like the amazing, laughter filled day we spent together was so I could help him impress someone else.  "I don't want to lose ur friendship but I have to b honest I met someone from the church...